Talking to your children about dying

Telling a child their parent is going to die gives them the opportunity to spend quality time with them. Children can only do this if they know what’s going on.

When you are fairly certain death will happen in the near future, as in days or weeks, you can be more specific.

 

Use words they will understand. Don’t use confusing terms. It is important to use the words “die” and “death” rather than “pass on” or “lost”. 

Saying “going to a better place” or “going away” may make your child think you are abandoning them.

Saying “going to sleep” might make your child afraid of sleeping at night.

Be sure to explain to your child what death really means, and that once you are gone, you will not be back. Although we all need hope, try to encourage your child to prepare for the likelihood of death.

It can be helpful to read these pages with them so they can ask questions.

Important bits to include

  • This is not their fault and they could not have prevented it.

  • Dying is not a deliberate choice and you do not want to leave them.

  • They will always be taken care of, no matter what happens.

  • You will be honest with them and keep them informed.

If possible and appropriate, reassure your child that they are safe, other family members are safe and that they will not die anytime soon.

 

Younger children

 

Since young children don’t understand the finality of death, make it clear that death is not like sleeping and that you cannot come back.

You could say:

“Death means that we’ll no longer see the person we love except in our hearts and minds.”

Explain that when a person dies, they don’t feel anymore; the heart doesn’t beat anymore; the person doesn’t breathe, and that the body stops working.

Be prepared to repeat this conversation. It’s a key part of preparing your child. In time, your child will accept the reality.

Be prepared for questions that might sound strange or insensitive. For example: What’s it like inside a coffin? What does a dead body really look like? Will I be a ghost when I die? Try and discuss them.

Older children

 

Older children and teenagers can understand more, and can be spoken to more as an adult.

“The treatment the doctors have been giving me isn’t working any more. The cancer has come back (or is getting worse). And as it gets worse, my body can’t work like it’s supposed to and will stop working. When my body stops working, I will die.”

You might like to talk about changing the focus from hope for recovery to hope for meaningful, comfortable time together.

You might like to reflect on the remaining time and consider how everyone would like to spend it. Explain that it may not always be possible.

What children understand

 

  • Will not understand about dying but will be aware and unsettled due to day to day changes in their lives.

  • Have difficulties understanding what death is, and the fact that their parent will be gone forever

    Take things literally so will be easily confused when told things like ‘gone to sleep’ rather than ‘died’

    May believe they have caused the illness, or death with thoughts or behaviour. This is called magical thinking

    May believe they can wish person to get better or come back once died

  • Can feel guilty about thinking they caused the illness or death

    Start to understand that death is permanent (around 7 years old) and can happen to anyone

    Begin to realise that dead people are different from those who are alive, that they do not feel, hear, see, smell or speak

    Likely to be incredibly interested in the rituals around death, and ask lots of questions

  • Understanding of death is almost similar to adults so are often shocked by news of illness or death

    Understand the implication of illness and permanence of death

    Try to make sense of what has happened, or is happening, by wanting to know details and asking specific questions

    Begin to become aware of their own mortality which can result in fear and insecurity

  • Understand the permanence of death and that a serious illness may result in death

    May begin to ask biological and spiritual questions about illness or death

 

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