What should I say?
Finding the right words and answers is not as important as being loving and open.
Give lots and lots of reassurance
Reassure them that the illness hasn’t changed your love for them.
Reassure them they did nothing to cause the illness.
Reassure them they will always be loved.
Reassure them they will be told of any changes.
Examples of how to start
Talk about what the doctors have said.
“The doctors have said that I’m ill and they will make sure I’m not in pain, but they can’t make me better.”
“All the doctors and nurses and myself have done everything possible to keep on living, but there is no longer any medicines that can help me”.
Talk about changes.
“The treatment the doctors have been giving me isn’t working any more. The cancer has come back (or is getting worse). And as it gets worse, my body can’t work like it’s supposed to.”
Talk about what they already know.
“What do you know about what’s been going on?”
Make sure they know it is okay to ask questions.
Tips on answering questions
Be aware conversations will probably need to be repeated because children like the security of knowing what is currently happening, and this will lead to new questions. Try drawing or writing answers so they can go back over them when they need to.
Questions can come up at seemingly odd times when you are least expecting it.
Questions are often asked when they don't have to make eye contact (or have a "big, scary chat") such as when you are driving the car, cooking tea or doing the shopping. Go with it if possible and try to answer these as much as you can.
Make sure they know it is okay to ask questions.
Remember
Your child will probably become upset by these discussions. This is not because the conversation is causing distress, but the painful loss they are feeling.
If words fail simply hug, sit close, and hold hands. This is just as important.
Give your child time to absorb what you’ve said. Be sure to check in later to find out what your child really understood and be prepared to say it again.
Your child may continue to process the information long after your conversation with them has ended.
If your child has questions, it’s a sign that they are curious, that they don’t understand, or that they are seeking reassurance that the story hasn’t changed.
Don’t expect your child to always want to talk. They usually will when ready, and often to people who are not immediate family.
Try not to make them feel embarrassed, wrong, or ashamed if they say or react ‘inappropriately’, e.g. if they try to blame others for what is happening or seem like they don’t care.
Keep the conversations going by asking your child…